I learned a new acronym yesterday: BLUF. It stands for Bottom Line Up Front. I like it.

So, BLUF: Would I go on another river cruise?

No. Not unless I bring my own squad. Then, I would consider it.

I’ll explain.

Now that I have a grand total of three cruises under my belt – two ocean, and one river cruise, I can say this with certainty: cruising is a catch-22. On the plus side, cruising allows you to see a lot of places in a short period of time. And you only have to unpack once – a BIG plus for me. But, the downside is, you are never in a place long enough to get to know it. Big minus. Well, mostly minus. Spending more than a few hours in places like Vidin, Bulgaria probably isn’t necessary.

This was our first river cruise – and first impressions are lasting impressions. Here are my thoughts:

Things I Liked About Our River Cruise

We Covered A Lot of Territory

We traveled on the Danube River from Budapest, Hungary to Bucharest, Romania – in a week. That’s a huge swath of Eastern Europe in one swing. And given the cities we visited, a pretty good way to see this part of the world. We visited five countries on this cruise – seven if you include my side-missions to Slovakia and Turkey.

Minimal Packing and Unpacking

This is a big plus for me. I hate packing and unpacking. I especially hate doing it in constant loop on a trip. I’m a chronic over-packer. I start every trip thinking I’m going to be organized and efficient about how I pack. I think to myself, I’ll just put what I need for the first night/day on top so I don’t have to unpack my whole suitcase. And every trip, I open my suitcase and need something on the bottom, and then everything dissolves into suitcase chaos. So I appreciate only have to unpack once.

No Kids

The no kids under-18 policy is a Viking thing, and I’m not mad about it. Kids that don’t belong to you are kind of a pain in the ass. Hell, kids that do belong to you can be a pain in the ass, too. Viking’s policy obviously skews the shipboard age demographic higher – they are eliminating younger passengers with young kids, who may not travel without said kids. But I’m not complaining about it.

Small Ship Size

Our ship, the Viking Ullr, had a maximum capacity of 190 people. Embarking and disembarking was well organized and super easy. I like super easy.

Zero Problems with Motion Sickness

Well, I take that back. One afternoon, I did overhear a woman complaining about feeling seasick. There’s no way. Cruising on the river is like sailing through butter. I couldn’t even feel the boat moving. You can leave your scopolamine patches at home.

Things I Didn’t Like About River Cruising

We Covered A Lot of Territory

See? Catch-22. We visited seven countries (the five on the cruise + Slovakia and Turkey) in a little over a week. There wasn’t enough time in any one place to get to know it at all. But, like I said earlier, you probably don’t need more than a few hours in places like Vidin and Ruse, Bulgaria.

Herd Tourism

Going into this river cruise, Ken and I were both nervous about herd tourism – where you travel everywhere on a giant bus, and spend the day in the middle of a gaggle of people, following a guide carrying a flag on a stick. Neither one of us has the patience for that flavor and pace of activity. And, after a week on a river cruise, I can confirm that’s pretty much the deal. Unless you choose to go on zero excursions, the flag on a stick routine is unavoidable. The whole thing feels like you’re on a kindergarten field trip.

If you want to escape the herd, I’ve had very good luck scheduling private tours using Tours by Locals and With Locals. We’ve had some great guides with both of these services. Of course, these tours do cost extra money – but for us, money well spent.

The QuietVox

This is a very important part of the herd tour experience. On the bus ride from the hotel to the port, our fellow cruisers (who we later learned were river cruise professionals) kept asking for what I thought was “quiet boxes”. Huh? What’s a quiet box? It sounds like something I could get behind, but I’d never heard of it before.

Turns out, it’s not quiet BOX, it’s quiet VOX. We were given one of these little boxes for the ride from the hotel to the port. It’s a device with ear buds so your guide can talk to you without having to yell. But those were just bus boxes. Once you’re on board the ship, we found two of these guys on a charging station in our room. You are told to bring them with you on every excursion. And you wear them around your neck on an inconspicuous bright red lanyard. I mean, they are useful in that the guide doesn’t have to shout at you, but wow, do they scream THE TOURISTS ARE COMING!

We Were the Youngest People on the Ship

By a good margin. I’d say most of the people on board were in their late 60s to mid 80s. Ken and I are both in our mid-50s. We were warned – several times – that this would be our reality. But we went anyway. And we spent seven days trapped on a geriatric prison ship. Kidding. It wasn’t that bad. At least not all the time.

Kudos to these folks for getting out there and seeing the world. I hope Ken and I are still at it when we’re using walkers. I also hope that’s when we’re in our 90s.

Activities are Geared Toward People with Limited Physical Capabilities

If you’re on board a ship full of people in their late 60s to mid 80s, you’re not doing anything fast. All of the walking tours moved at the pace of very slow snails. It was painful, even for me, and I’m a slow walker.

Several times, we were docked very close to town (within a mile) and the giant herd bus would show up to take us there. Ugh. I don’t need (or want) to get on a tour bus just to drive a mile into town when I can walk myself. But walking a mile wasn’t in the cards for a lot of these folks.

All of the tour guides have been well schooled in warning everyone of the dangers of walking anywhere in Europe. There was a constant dribble of warnings: there’s a step coming up, watch out for this slight variation on the pavement, mind the pebble in the path, etc.

Depending on the river tides, some of the ramps to disembark/embark the ship were very steep. Watching these folks try to pull themselves up and down the ramp was a trail of tears. For the record, Ken and I cruised up and down the middle of this ramp like a couple of teenagers.

Sidebar: This cruise was a wake-up call for me on the critical importance of strength and mobility training. I’m now best friends with at least two trainers on my Peloton app. Because this is a five-alarm fire. If you don’t commit to strength and mobility training, that’s your future. No, thank you.

Forced Social Interaction

This is where I really struggled. All meals are served in the ship’s main dining room. And all of the dining room tables are for 6 or more people. So unless you bring your own squad of 6, you’re going to be eating with different people at every meal. And while I’m OK with small talk in small amounts, I don’t have the bandwidth for small talk at every single meal. There’s only so many times I can ask people, “So where are you from? What do you do? Is this your first river cruise?” YAWN.

Gems

Don’t get me wrong, we met some super interesting people on the cruise: a novelist, an astrophysicist, a forensic accountant, many teachers, a USNA Class of 1971 graduate (Ken is USNA ’90), an orthopedic surgeon, a professional organist, many nurses, many veterans, and one of the first employees at Apple Computer.

Duds

But there were some DUDS, too. People it was downright painful to talk to. An actual conversation exchange with a lady we later nicknamed The Babblefish: Ken asked, “So, do you have any favorite countries to travel in?” She says, (and I am not making this up) “Oh, we love traveling in England. Everyone speaks such good English.”

Wow. (Ken and I are now jabbing each other in the knees under the table.)

Super Duds

And there was one lady I wanted to punch in the face (she deserved it – and I won’t tell you what we nicknamed her – only that it rhymes with punt). We were having a perfectly lovely conversation with her friend’s husband about his service in Vietnam. And she says to him (again, this is not her husband), “No one wants to hear about your military service.” I couldn’t sit on that one. So I said, “I do. Please, continue.” She didn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the cruise.

And naturally, these were the people (minus the punt) who latched onto us and “found” us at every possible turn. My social battery went dead mid conversation a couple of times. Luckily, Ken is far better than I am at chitty-chat, so he carried the conversation for the team.

Small Ship Size

Again, there were only 190 people on board our ship. So, if you’re all about cozy time with strangers, you will love river cruising. Me? I like to be anonymous as much as possible. I’m not anti-social, just very selective about who I spend time with.

It’s Very Regimented

If you like a rigid schedule, river cruising might be for you. Your time is not your own on a river cruise. Meals are at set times, excursions are at set times, and when you are on excursions, there’s no room for flexibility or spontaneity. You want to go check out that interesting store you just walked by? Stop to take some photos of something down an intriguing alley? Too bad. The Quietvox is talking and you must obey.

Some Closing Thoughts on Viking

Food was Excellent

The chef did an absolutely bang-up job. At each meal, there was an exceptional local menu as well as an international favorites menu (stuff like steak, chicken, caesar salad). If you can’t find something good to eat on a Viking cruise, you’ve got issues.

The chef made Hungarian mushroom soup one night, and holy cow that was one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. I asked for the receipe – and it was delivered to my room the next day!

Wine was Meh

The house wines aboard the Ullr were local – kudos to Viking for using local wines – and they were drinkable, but nothing special or impressive. Viking did offer a red and white sommelier selection each night that were definitely a notch above in terms of quality, but they are not included in the complimentary beverage package and you have to buy the whole bottle. And while Ken and I certainly can finish a whole bottle by ourselves, we don’t do it very often anymore. It just hurts too much the next day.

When faced with meh house wines, my favorite trick is to make a Spanish tinto de verano. Here’s the recipe: ask for a bottle of Sprite and mix with your red wine in roughly equal proportions. Voila – instant sangria. You can thank me later.

Staff was Wonderful

Everyone was super friendly and accommodating. All smiles, all the time.

Cabin was Spacious and Comfortable

We booked a veranda suite, and I’m super glad we did. We had plenty of room to spread out and we had our own balcony. Bonus: we also had free laundry service. Huge plus for me. On our Mediterranean cruise, I had to throw elbows with people just to get a free washing machine. And then once you have a machine, you discover it holds three items and one cycle takes three hours.

Excursions

Tours were efficient, prompt, and mostly educational. But you cannot escape the herd.

Viking classifies its excursions as easy, moderate, or demanding. The morning we were in Goulbac, Serbia, Ken signed up for an excursion hike that Viking marked as demanding. Ken and Viking have wildly different interpretations of the word demanding. Ken said it was the equivalent of walking around the block.

Bottomline Conclusion

I don’t want you to read this and think we didn’t have a good time on our river cruise. We absolutely did. A great time, even. We saw a part of the world that most people never get to see and experience. And if we could find four friends who want to go on a river cruise, we’d probably/might do it again.

My concluding acronym for river cruising: BYOS. Bring your own squad.

Cheers!